Sunday Morning
Being not of any religious background, it might sound strange that I go to church every once in a while. And when I say that, I truly mean once in a Long while. But I went yesterday morning and I thought it was quite the coincidence with regards to the pastor’s chosen topic:
Sexual Impurity
…sins of the flesh/dirty thoughts/adultery/lust…
Most [maybe all] things I can personally find myself guilty of. So perhaps it was good chance that I was there that day to hear it.
I don’t think of myself as dirty or a slut, but in all fairness, I certainly can’t think of myself as pure either. I enjoy sex and I think sex is something meant to be enjoyed. And I think what I liked about the pastor’s words were that they didn’t serve to condemn sex, but rather pose the question, When, and with Whom, should we have sex? Not ‘should’ from some moral/ethical/religious point of view necessarily, but even just from the perspective of our own personal fulfillment.
One line that stuck with me in particular was:
“Man wants to be fully known and fully loved.”
I found it personally relevant because being here in Beijing, I’ve experienced the childish ferocity with which some Chinese guys “fall in love” with foreign girls. But how can you love someone if you barely understand what they’re saying? And what’s more, even if your language skills are strong enough for communication, what can an hour-long conversation tell you about someone that could make you so certain they’re the one for you? I don’t believe it. I rather you never tell me you love me than you tell me and not mean it. I rather believe with all my heart that the words you say are sincere than have to call bullshit on a cheap line that you say because you think it will win me over. If you don’t know me completely, you can never love me completely. That’s something I’ve always felt to be true.
Now all apologies for going off track, but in relation to sex, I think this applies. Yes, agreed, sex can be fun, liberating, exciting. There’s a hot guy sitting next to me and trust me, I’m not the strongest of people not to look him over. But as thrilling as a quick adventure may seem, I find those fleeting moments are quite worthless the next day. I can’t say that it applies for all people, but I view sex as an extension, or perhaps even the greatest expression of love between two people. No, I can’t say that all sex in my life will necessarily be purely out of love, but I think the times that they are will truly be the most meaningful, most passionate, and most fulfilling experiences.
And perhaps I’ll only find that after marriage. Perhaps there’s a greater reason than just physical protection that man evolved into a monogamous society. Or maybe I’m just a woman so who gives a fuck what I think :-p
The hardest part for me is that not being of any religious background, or even the fact that I’ve already had sex, makes it hard for people to believe me or accept me when I say that I don’t want to have sex anymore. Church-goers can be born again, washed clean of their sins and start life fresh, and anew. But I can’t because I don’t believe in God so I’m already a sinner and who gives a shit after that. And to be fair, this is never anything I’ve heard from any faithful people. I’ve heard it from men. Men who want and have had sex and I suppose can’t respect a woman enough to stop having it. But then again in all fairness, who am I, as a partner in a committed relationship, to suddenly decide for the both of us that I no longer want to have sex? Am I not just as simply acting disrespectfully to my significant other? In a marriage, if the wife says she no longer wishes to have sex, that’s clearly seen as a problem. A problem, I’m sure, which stems from greater inter-marital issues, but a problem nonetheless.
I don’t really have a point, to be honest I’m just thinking out loud, or online I should say (corny joke alert), but I guess I just found that there was something to the sermon that day. To say that, from this day forward I choose to no longer have sex before marriage is a true test of personal strength. I’m not very well disciplined, I’m too soft, too eager to try something new, and too quick to quite when something better presents itself. So maybe when people tell us to wait to have sex, it’s not because sex is something bad or dirty, but rather because it’s something quite beautiful that we shouldn’t squander away, that we should save it until we’re mentally ready to experience it, when we can receive love fully and fully love another. Whether it’s necessarily marriage or through some other form of commitment, I can’t really say. But a promise to love forever is something special.
And on a side note, as for women being more powerful, more liberated because they can have sex with more partners, more freely than before - sure. Why not? But I think real strength for a woman, real respect, is not having to use her sexuality all the time. To refuse sex rather than to be so open about it. Because I think these days, a woman that values her own body is harder to find than a woman who quickly gives it away. And having self-worth is what real respect and power are all about.
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*crossfingers&shaking*
